I’m the squeamish sort. I don’t like blood and gore. I like nice stories about princesses, true love and fluffy kittens. You’d think Bible stories would be safe with all that love and kindness towards our fellow man stuff going on. But there’s one Bible story about a grisly assassination that I can’t resist because it’s so gross. I’m not one to make fun of others’ misfortunes but this story has some great fodder for bullies.
I went to primary school with a boy named Paul who I remember well because he was a lefty. It must have sucked to be Paul. The teacher was constantly walloping his knuckles with the ruler for smudging his work and kids always figured he must have been a bit of a handicap for being different. Not that my handwriting was much better and I also had my knuckles rapped a few times (never my fault! Honest!!). Some teachers were just plain mean back in the day.
So anyway, Eglon and Ehud...If you haven’t heard of this story you’ve got to check it out in Judges. It’s a crack up. Ehud the hero, was a southpaw. Some versions of the story say that he was “hindered” in his right hand. Cool! My imagination runs away at this point and conjures up images of Ehud’s withered appendage just dangling off his right shoulder. It makes it a little more dramatic, don’t you think? Mind you, I suspect the hindrance was more to do with what others’ felt about his disparity.
Meanwhile, Israel was being tormented by King Eglon. He was a nasty pasty, which was reason enough to have everyone bawling out for someone valiant enough to rescue them from this guy’s dictatorship. Yeesh, people are such whingers when they’re being browbeaten and demoralized. I’d tell them to harden up but this guy was MEAN! For 18 years they’d had this guy making things very ugly for them. And to make things worse, while the people were struggling to get by, Eggie was gorging himself on anything and everything. I’ll bet he stole candy from babies too. He was a self-satisfying, selfish, morbidly obese hog. Although I’m sure he preferred to call himself “big boned with a thyroid problem”, Eglon was so fat that the world really did revolve around him.
So here’s the scenario: Of all people, God sent Ehud to snuff out the gargantuan elephant. The Israelites probably took one look at Lefty Loosey and thought God was having them on. But I love how God often picks underdogs and people who are a bit different. He can even turn their disadvantages into a good thing. Even nutters like me can be useful to Him sometimes.
Ehud managed to make himself a flash little sword and had the audacity to march right up to the king’s attendants with a message to pass on for the portly monarch. He didn’t even try to sneak in. They would have frisked him down of course (ooer!) but most people reckon that they only searched one side of him and they didn't even wear latex gloves. Imagine if they worked at the airport. We'd get elk horns and all sorts smuggled into the country. He even got himself a private audience with His Obese Majesty in the private throne room. You know...the...ummm...”other” throne room (where private things take place). It appears Eglon had taken quite a liking to Ehud because he didn’t even flinch when Ehud reached under his robe with his left hand and lean in to pass on a secret message. I don’t know exactly what Eglon was expecting but when Ehud plunged his blade into the king’s belly, he sure did get the point!
It gets really nasty about here. Ehud’s in Eglon’s “private throne room”, his sword has just gone into his guts...and it just kept on going. I’ll bet it went through his intestines as the fat gulped it in. Lord knows what Eglon had been eating that day but I can imagine that skewered intestines don't smell too fragrant. I had to change an old lady’s colonoscopy bag once so I know what kind of goop comes out of there. Eeyew, gross! Hopefully Ehud's mum had taught him to always wash his hands after being in the bathroom.
With the carnage complete, Ehud got his ninja-thing on and locked the door before melting away to do battle another day. Maybe he got out through a window or the sewerage system but I think that however he did it he was very stealth-like and clever. Meanwhile, Eglon’s servants were thinking things like, “Hmmm...the king’s been in there a long time, hasn’t he?” and “It must have been that vindaloo he ate last night.” Yeesh! Where’d he get those whiz kids from?
I don’t normally make fun of obesity but I can see how Eglon can seem like flesh out of control: self-indulgent and selfish. A bit like me sometimes. Don’t tell the kids, but I have a secret stash of chocolate in my side drawer. It was supposed to be going to work with me to share for morning tea this morning but...yeah...you know how it goes. Fortunately I don’t have a “thyroid problem”.
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